An interview with Michael Oko, the author's husband, conducted by Andy Miles, September 14, 2004, at the Lying Together launch party, Washington, D.C.

AM   You're the husband.

MO   I am the husband. Recently the husband.

AM   And how recent is that?

MO   We got married in June.

AM   And you're not the man in the book, which is an important distinction to make.

MO   Yes, very important. I have nothing to do with what happened in 1998, which is what the subject of the book is.

AM   And is your relationship also the material for a book?

MO   Well, Jennifer and I do joke around occasionally, and I promise her that if she wrote a book about me it would probably be a bestseller. But truth be told, we actually like to think we have a little bit calmer lifestyle now than what she was going through back then when she wrote Lying Together.

AM  And you're hoping to be able to sustain that over many years of normality?

MO   Yeah, I think we both probably learned from past mistakes and have grown up just a little bit, and now hopefully have started on a good course and will not have too much fodder for future books.

AM   And if you wouldn't mind telling me, how did you meet?

MO   Actually, I'll tell you the quick story, which is actually a funny story, which is that Jen and I met when we were actually teenagers. She was 14 and I was 13 and our parents were friendly. And we actually met in Paris together, and the story goes that we got lost on the bus in Paris together when we were teenagers. And we didn't see each other again basically for 18 years.

And she actually ran into my mother. And my mother told her that I was working in documentaries, and she was working in the news business. And so we got together, at first just for business and then that turned into dating. And two years later we got married. So it was a long courtship; over 18 years actually.

AM   Even though the book has been produced for a mass audience, it is still a very individual process; it's very personal. How much of it was she willing to talk about while you were dating?

MO   That's a big question.

It's funny, because this book in particular is a very personal book and she shares very intimate details of her life. I have to say, for the most part she told me about her relationship, as anyone would, and told me pretty honestly about some of the problems she had back then.

Although, I have to say, in reading the book, there were a couple of surprises [where] I said, "I didn't know that." (Laughs.) We had a couple of those moments where I said, "You did what?" Especially after she — she had actually been engaged to this guy before and had actually started planning a wedding. So happily I read it after I was married to her already, but reading about some of that definitely was pretty interesting.

AM   In the form that the book has taken and the form in which it's being published, technically, what category does it fit into? Is it memoir, or is it being sold as fiction?

MO   It's definitely non-fiction. It's definitely her story.

Jen and I have actually talked about this a lot, but memory — your memory plays tricks on you. And she actually now almost thinks about it as a separate character. Of course it's her; it's a real character. Certain people have been morphed; maybe two people become one person for clarity of dialogue. But as far as the emotions go, and as far as the experience goes, this is very much a true story and her story. And it's a memoir. She calls it a memoir.

AM   You sort of entered the story after the story [in the book] had actually been written; she was finessing the manuscript. Was it still an emotionally charged experience for her, where she was working on this and still going back into some of these scenes and immersing herself in that life again?

MO   Yeah, it's interesting. She definitely had to revisit some of those issues over time. The book is about some difficult experiences. It's also about some fun experiences, adventures. She calls it a coming-of-age story, and I think that's very true. She was in her mid- to late-20s, and as we know, that's a very pivotal moment in somebody's life. Looking back at the mid-20s, that's when a lot of stuff is happening.

Even when the book finally came out and she got her copy of it, I remember she was very filled with emotion — you know, joyful that the book came out but also having to look at it again and the experiences that she had during this time. It brought up a lot of emotions. Mixed emotions.

It's a very personal book, and showing it to a large audience — I mean, she was terrified what her friends' reaction and her family — especially her parents, who are in the book, and you can't disguise them too much; you know, they are who they are.

AM   Events that took place that were eventually put into this book, these are things that you only know of in book form. When you met she was working on this project, having lived the experience.

MO   It's interesting. I think every relationship, every person you're going out with tells you about past relationships. And it was pretty interesting in this case to not only be told about the past relationship but then to be told she was actually writing a book about the past relationship, and that definitely put a certain spin on things.

But when Jen and I first started dating, which was a couple years ago, she had actually finished writing the book and she was trying to get it sold. And actually, any time I would ask her about the book, I could just say, "How's the book going?" and suddenly she would just well up with tears and just couldn't even speak.

AM   Her emotion being that she was frustrated with —

MO   Just that creative process and probably having to do with the subject matter. And it brings up a lot of issues.

The book business is a tough one, so you go from writing a book and finishing it and feeling very good about it, to getting an agent and trying to get it sold. And that's a difficult process to go through.

The great thing is that when I ask her about the book now, she doesn't well up in tears anymore. Normally we get a smile, so that's good.